cue reflective blog, titled 2012

well to say i've been ignoring the blog for the past however many months is a lie. I check it lots, and even begin a blog or two, but there hasn't been an awful lot to talk about, but then there's also been too much to talk about - so i haven't really bothered. But now its hit december its time for the 'this was the hardest year of my life blog' or the 'this year was incredible blog' or more commonly, a mix of the two.

this year has been incredible though, and hard. but every year that passes it seems thats its both harder than the year before in its own new way, but so much more beautiful too. that's the thing with growing, and i really do love it. i'd hate for life to just get easier and easier every year, i have no doubt that minus a few hiccups that may come my way life will consistently get better and better - but not easier. i love being challenged, i love having to work hard for something, and at the time i can't say i always love it but i love life's struggles. not the struggles themselves, but more the satisfaction of walking out the other side of them. i love being reminded that i do have to depend on God, and i love looking back on myself and realising how much i've learnt and grown.

can't say every single day of 2012 has been beautiful. but every single day i've been in the presence of someone so ridiculously incredible - and its all because of him that 2012 has been a beauty.

living outside of the bubble

1 Corinthians 9:19,22-23

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do ALL this for the sake of the gospel...

i love that Jesus hung out with sinners. 

as far as inclusive terms go - "sinners" is pretty up there. we might as well say that jesus hung out with every human that walked the planet. the other day me and eleanor were having a sweet old reminisce (is that a word?) about moving down, and i actually had to have a little chuckle because it was so cringe thinking about februaryKate. but hey - every year i seem to reflect back on my younger self and want to fall into a hole when i think about how lame, or clueless i was - so no changes there. i'm sure i'll look back on myself now in another few months and be like lolseptemberkate - how cool were you. but anywaaaaay, i remember someone saying to me this year - at all times in your life you've got to look at the people around you and make sure that you have at least a couple of good christian friends, but just as importantly - a few non-christian friends too. what is the point of being built up and encouraged by friends that love Jesus - if you have nobody to love on or impact. God has to always stay number 1, but he can't be the only one. you can't hide from the world, and sit in a church filling yourself or waiting for the broken to come to you. you have to love him first, but also love his people and the world he created. i honestly believe that he wants us out there more than we know - he wants us to see the brokenness, and see the pain so we get passionate about helping him fix it. he wants us to live church not just go to church - and lol me saying that cause i've always known it, but never really known it until now. being the church isn't about being so caught up in doing the more acceptable thing that we miss opportunities to love nor is it about being so holy that we can't be seen with the drunkards, or love on those that are so broken that they're just a mess. we need to jump into their mess, with the cleanest motives and a surrendered heart to God and lift them out. if we can do that, we can change the world one person at a time. he doesn't want us sitting on our high unicorn (so much cooler than a horse) looking down on the sinners, he wants us to stoop down - to jump off our unicorn and lift them up. 

to be in the world, but not of it.

teenagers

i never expected at all that one of the things i would miss while living in Dunedin would be hanging out with high-schoolers. i honestly just believe that they're so incredible, and not enough people in the world realise how much potential they have.

i remember sitting with a girl in O-week at dinner one night, and telling her how i don't drink. and she told me that she barely drunk alot either and she'd be lucky to get through a box of drinks before the end of the semester. i haven't seen her a lot since then, but when i went downstairs tonight - there she was drunk as a skunk all ready for town. my O-week dinner friend is definately not the only one either, there's not a lot of people the same person they were 5 months ago - alot of them just throwing their values out the window in order to fit in. it makes me wonder how different this world could be, if teenagers knew their worth, potential and ultimately who they were while they were still in high-school. it's a dream that i have among many others, to get to the teenagers in the world and help them find themselves in him, before the world gets to them and determines who they should be.

ma daaaay.

at the moment - 99% of health sci students are in one of the most stressful and life-defining 10 days of their life. you fail one of these papers and your hopes and dreams of being a doctor are goneskies, even if you get a few too many B's or a C - you're chances have just decreased by a billion. it's fair to say that dunedin is a fairly tense place right now for students haha. but not for me, i'm just taking each day as it comes loving him, living in his peace aaand - don't gemme wrong - working my little bottom off, but i'm far from stressed!
So there i was today just loving life walking to the super market today slash practically skipping/cartwheeling down the road so in awe of how beautiful, loving, and amazing our God is. it was just one of those days - one where i couldn't wipe a smile off my face, one where i was pretty much searching the streets for sick people to pray for, one where i was almost brought to tears just thinking about how awesome God is. i love those days. theeeeeeeeeeeeeen... I went to this tutorial tonight with this crazy chem lady who made some stupid comment about the tooth fairy and Jesus not being real. and my whole world just came crashing down - not cause I was mad at her, not cause it made me doubt Jesus for a millisecond, but just cause it honestly broke my heart thinking that she's never had a day like I had today. my day was an ordinary day, i studied, i slept, i had a coupe of meals and i went for a walk, but it was filled with an extraordinary saviour - but it just hit me that all these people in the room had never experienced what it was to have nothing to be happy about yet be so filled with his joy, or to have a terrible day but for everything to come right the moment you felt his presence, or to know no matter what that you were loved beyond measure every second of every day. This year has been one of growth and i've come to appreciate more than ever before everything that our God is. Seriously its unfathomable how cool he is! He's love when we're lonely, he's peace when we're restless, he's comfort when we're afraid, he's strength when we're weak - and my life would be nothing like it is without him. I try imagine taking him out of my life, and it would suck - but thats the life so many people live. When they're lonely, they're lonely. When they're afraid, they live in fear - so unaware of what they could be living in.
I'm passionate and ranting - but this world needs Jesus and i'm determined to be apart of helping them find him!

The past three months have been.. well, crazy. they've been a lot of things, and it would take me a while to attempt to describe what its been like. But spiritually it's been an interesting walk - with no leaders, or pastors who I know there to encourage me, pull me up on things, be accountable to and be wise when i need wisdom. My relationship with God has literally been only about me and God - nobody else, and it's been different and hard at times, but it's been seriously beautiful.

It's this weird limbo time, where i have no leaders to be lead by and no young people to lead. I mean one day in the future i know i'll have people like that again in my life, but for now it's literally just us. Me and my best friend on this wonderful, scary and ridiculously challenging adventure of life. 

it's a bit ironic how for a short space of time after moving you've still got the old friends as well as making new ones (or trying anyway haha :P) - yet your leaders aren't your leaders, but building relationships take time. So its like friends double for an instant but all leadership above and  below you vanishes completely. it's weird - and if i didn't love Jesus with everything and wasn't willing to do whatever it takes to be more and more on fire for him every day - it would be way to easy to backslide my life away.

Life is a bit all over the place - but i'm slowly learning to love the craziness

God Answers Prayers

sometimes i find, that i have kind of forgotten that God does actually answer prayers. whether they're the words we whisper before we fall asleep at night, or the things we declare at the top of our lungs in a prayer meeting - the words aren't just words. they don't just dissapear into nothingness, they're heard by the creator of the universe - and every single one of them is answered by him. not always in the way we want them to be answered, or not always as quickly as we'd like - but nonetheless he answers them. the dumb thing is that of course i know this, i've always known it. it's just every now and then i need a little reminder, just in time to rekindle that little flicker of hope back into a burning fire :)

hometime.

coming home was beautiful because it was beautiful - and coming home was horrible because it was so beautiful haha. i feel like saying you don't know what you have until its gone - but that's not true. I always knew how much i had, how awesome the people are that were in my life - and i was ridiculously grateful from day 1. those 10 days were like the weirdest 10 days ever - where for a week and a half i just returned to my old, beautiful, perfect and comfortable life, like nothing had ever changed. legit thought for a minute that potentially Dunedin life was just a dream, but then as quickly as I got my old life back, it dissapeared again the minute i got on that plane tonight. second goodbyes were without a doubt worse than the initial see ya laters - today has been a long day. but seriously though - what kind of horrible university only gives people one weeks holiday!

Dr Seuss is so great - this ones up there with fox and socks i'd say :)

Oh! The Places You’ll Go! – Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t. Because, sometimes, you won’t.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
...
Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.
And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains! So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way! 

hooooooooome :)

i'm so excited to come home, like you would not believe

i'm making a list of all my favouritist things that i miss, i'm gonna do them all

1. drive to Otaki on a sunny day and buy a real fruit icecream

2. go to mcdonalds at midnight with Natasha ingram and buy a cheeseburger and sit on the beach and hannout

3. make ambrosia

4. sleep in past 10 and still be allowed to have breakfast

5. hug my dad

6. see all my favouritist people in the world

7. get excited about hillsong conference - and if i'm really lucky convince more people to come hahaha

8. do some baking

9. sleep in my bed

10. see my mum

11. have some chicken nibbles 

12. have a spa

13. turn up at jess bakers house for a sleepover at a ridiculous hour

14. go for a walk along petone beach

15. play the piano

16. have a really long shower

17. go for a drive. i miss driving

18. listen to music really loud and not care what everyone else thinks

19. look like a bum and not worry about walking to the toilet, or going to the kitchen to get something yum

20. make dinosaur pasta with michelle lam

...and maybe just maybe, i'll do a bit of study for the two tests i have the week after i come back haha.

Truman

wake up. breakfast. study. uni. lunch. uni. dinner. study. sleep. repeat.

I feel a bit like i'm on the Truman show (apart from the whole people watching me thing....) my life doesn't go beyond a 1 or 2km radius of my bedroom. church is down the road, uni's a 5 minute walk away, the gym and stadium is like 200m away, the dairy is on our street and the supermarket is a 10minute walk from my place and thats about the farthest i go. I guess it's both the good and the bad thing about Dunedin! but life feels very boxed in and scripted, right now. but its all part of the package, there's definately a billion perks, and a so many fun, exciting, and sorta scary things about living 800 odd kms away from the rest of the world slash my family. but i'm here for a reason and i know that with all my heart, but i won't pretend that every day i don't know the exact number of days it is until i come home for mid-semester break.

I've always found that anything worth achieving will always have obstacles in the way and you've got to have that drive and determination to overcome those obstacles on route to whatever it is that you want to accomplish.-Chuck Norris
chuck is a wise wise man.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love. 

- 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

church hunting.

I love the house of God so much. These past couple of Sundays have been both a little bit sad, and so beautiful! Leaving a really great church is hard, because the truth is no matter where you go your not going to find something exactly the same. but the beautiful thing is that it doesn't matter what city you're in because the house of God is STILL the house of God. a church might sing different songs, the preacher might have a different preaching style and the people surrounding you can be complete strangers - but the God of the universe, my best friend and saviour - it's always his home and therefore it's always ours. i remember before i left having this beautiful moment with God where i was having a bit of a waaah about leaving Arise, and he just whispered into my ear saying, never love my church more than you love me. that's a powerful thought, if it's God's will we should be willing to up and go if that's what he wants, because life isn't primarily about loving church, its about loving him. church on Sunday was so great. it was so different to any service i was used to, the whole night ran in a completely different order, the worship, the preaching, the atmosphere was different. But his presence was undeniable, and despite everything - the fact that he was there in the most unreal way... that's what made it feel like home.

longest week of my life.

This past week, has without a doubt been the longest week of my life... and that's definately a legit call. It has actually felt like at least a good 3 or 4 weeks since i've slept in my own bed in wellington or seen my friends - yet it's only been 8 days, the craziest 8 days ever.

the past week has been crazy - i swear i've felt every single emotion a human can feel, all smushed up into a week. It's been fun, scary, awesome, sad, hard, exciting, exhausting, full-on, lonely, busy, beautiful, eye-opening, crazy, heart-breaking, and so much more.

i'm quite excited to get started into Uni tomorrow, its been a long week just waiting for it to begin. This is going to be one of the hardest years of my life, but I am so pumped about that fact that my God is faithful. That his promises remain, and that though he never promised this was going to be easy I know with all my heart that it will definately be worth it.
2012 - you're mine.

big beginnings..

saturday was a day that i had been both dreading and looking forward to for over a year and a half, and its finally been and gone. the last few days have been such an adventure and so exciting, but definately 3 or 4 of the hardest, scariest and most exhausting days of my life. it's literally like trying to meet and remember the names of hundreds of people a day, as well as getting enrolment and uni sorted, and making friends, and trying not to miss home to much, and being independent, and having fun, and not sleeping through meals - something i have not mastered quite yet. it's a beautiful thing knowing that my saviour and best friend is with me every step of the way every day, because if it wasn't for him i'd be back in an instant. this is going to be one crazy year, and definately one of the hardest yet in so many ways - but his love never fails, he is a faithful God and we are the salt and light in this world, so that's exactly what i'll be. in other news, i'm legit counting down the days until sunday, can't wait to be back in his house!

freedom

we have a beautiful saviour who came to give us freedom

he gave his own life, so that every morning when we wake up, the mistakes we made yesterday can be forgotten, but when we choose to hold onto the past and not walk in the freedom that he gave up everything for, we take the power and the significance away from what he did.

he didn't die so we could hide away what's wrong, or die so that we could hide all our mistakes and put on an act. he gave it all, and so all we need to do is give us and all our imperfections back to him.

it's crazy watching how much God can transform a life that is willing to be changed, a person that admits their faults and acknowledges that they're not perfect, but are made perfect in HIS love. 

John 3:17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 

set a fire down in my soul that i can't contain, that i can't control.

no matter how long we've been walking with him, for all of us there's still things in our life that we like to control. things that maybe at times we place above God, things that we're scared of surrendering to him & things that make us feel safe or comfortable.

how on fire for God somebody is can't be based on how high they lift their hands in worship, nor by how many times they've read the bible or how many verses they know off by heart. being truely on fire for God means surrendering everything, giving him control even when it's hard and scary.

camp

new years resolution of getting back into blogs is currently failing.

this coming week is going to be the one of the greatest weeks of my life.

i'm believing for futures to be revealed
i'm believing that strongholds will be broken... that depression, that eating disorders, that peoples past hurts, guilt will be broken off their lives
i'm believing that every person will encounter God, and fall more in more in love with him
i'm believing that girls will begin to understand their worth and realise that what he thinks of you is so much more than what the world can offer
i'm believing that every single person will legit have the funnest week ever
i'm believing that people will have dreams birthed, have life defining visions that will change everything
i'm believing that even the leaders and interns and everyone who actually makes camp happen, won't just watch lives change but will experience something themselves
i'm believing that more than ever chch, wellington and ham will become more like a family
i'm believing that young people will have moments with God that they will remember for the rest of their life
i'm believing for so much more, for a generation to take a stand and run after God with EVERYTHING.

i am so so so excited for camp, but i can't help but think that though for everyone else this is the start of something huge, for me camp is the end of what's been the most beautiful, greatest, funnest, most challenging season of my life. i'm still coming so so so expectant, and i'm still coming ridiculously pumped to see lifechange, but for everyone else this will define where elevate goes this year, for me this is just the most beautiful way i could ever imagine to say goodbye to something i have learned to love.

i was talking to Rhi tonight about me when i first started coming 3 and a half years ago, it was great. it's funny, because i was already a christian when i came. but i was just this quiet, angry kid that wasn't pumped about living in a new city and hanging out with new people.it's beyond amazing to think how much has changed in that space of time... i've gone from crying on my way into town cause i didn't want to go (funny story that...) , to legit having like a meltdown over the fact that i have to leave.

life is an adventure, and i definately am pumped about the next step. but right now i just can't stop thinking about what this week might hold. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.